RANSVESTIA

Since all FPs would dearly like to have their wives understand and accept this pattern and fret and suffer considerably because for many of them this can never be, it is worthwhile to discuss this whole matter from the wife's side. The FP knows his side of the matter only too well but often his strong focus on his own desires leaves him either or both unwilling or unable to see it from the wife's position.

Let me write the next section of this essay as though I were talking directly to an FP whose wife knows of but does not accept his FPia. He can't understand her resistance.

Your wife, my friend, is a woman as you are a man and both of you have been born into and brought up within a society that is rather basic- ally structured into gender roles with their expectations, satisfactions and penalties for infringement. Your argument is that you are a good husband, father and provider and why shouldn't you be able to wear dresses, etc., if you want to as long as you don't frighten the children or make a fool of yourself to the neighbors. That is perfectly logical and also reasonable from where you sit. But wait a minute, where does your wife sit?

She has been brought up in a culture that has told her both subtly and directly when she was growing up that her "place" was with her man and that a woman was not fulfilled, not complete in her femininity unless she had a husband and became a mother. Not wanting to be such an in- complete, unfulfilled and socially penalized person she set about in her late teens finding herself a husband. She dressed attractively, she acted as a "lady" should, she learned to compliment and flatter the boys and to build up their egos; she made mistakes and learned from them; she continuously refined her concept of the kind of man she wanted and in the process refined and clarified her position relative to him. Finally she ran across you. Things went on for a time with dates, adventures and finally engagement and marriage. Now the question is, "why you"?

Since I'm talking generally and not with specific knowledge of a specific individual I'm not going to go into the fine points but there are some generalizations that apply to most any woman accepting the pro- posal of most any man — assuming he is not just the last possible candi- date and she is grasping at any pair of pants. If you had not fulfilled her requirements for a man and her expectations for him you wouldn't have been accepted when you popped the question. She had to see you in several things: you either had to already have or have good prospects

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